I am going to deviate from my typical posting style today. I'm going to get personal. In my mind, more personal than most of my posts. Or at least personal in a different way. To me. Maybe not to my three readers.
I woke up this morning with a horrible feeling in my stomach. I laid in bed for a few minutes pondering it and then got up to start my day. At first, I thought it was my "normal" anxiety striking out at me. Not sure what I'm so anxious about right now. There's the normal anxiety provoking stuff going on, but nothing that should be wake-me-up anxious.
IBS hit. I kind of expected it. Anxiety has the tendency to send me running to the bathroom. I showered hoping that was the end of it. Although it was concerning that this was my third IBS episode this week. That's a lot for me. So as I showered, feeling yucky, wondering what I was so anxious about, wondering if maybe it was not my anxiety/IBS ganging up one but something else, I prayed. I am certain God is tired of hearing about how I feel- specifically how I don't feel good. But I tell Him (or Her if I'm going to be a good inclusive former seminary student) anyway. I whine. I complain. Sometimes I cry, but not today. At least not yet. I plead to feel better. For healing- just for today if not for always. (Wait, I think the tears are threatening to spill over now.) Then I feel guilty. Because I know, I KNOW, there are people suffering much more than I am. Unimaginable pain, sorrow, etc. "But I feel so awful," I whine, " and my daughter. My job. My interview." Yeah, I'm sure God loves those conversations with me.
After my shower, I head downstairs to feed the cats. And then run back to the bathroom. Okay, I think maybe this time it might be more than the anxiety and IBS... I text in to work that I'm staying home. And then go back upstairs to whine to my husband. Actually, I didn't whine. I was pretty matter-of-fact if I do say so myself. "I don't feel good. I'm not going to work. I think this is different than 'normal.'" I put my pajamas back on. "I'll take Punky to the sitter for the day and rest. We already paid for today and she's expecting her." "Do you want me to stay home with you?" The huz know I don't like being alone when I'm stomach sick. Plus he likes any excuse to not have to go to work. AND he just got a new game to play. "If you want and can." So we'll have a sick day together.
That leads me to now. Sitting in the hallway because I'm afraid laying down will make me feel worse. Still not 100% positive if it's just a really bad IBS day or if it's more than that. I'm thinking it's more than that.... Listening to the huz talk to Punky through the monitor. I send God a different message. "Thank you for my family." And I type. My electronic journal. I'm doing those things I tell my clients to do. Breathe. Talk. Pray. Journal. In between trips to the bathroom. Yeah- this has got to be a bug. Sigh. Just what I need, a stomach bug. Cause I don't have enough stomach issues already. *Pout* I need a few minutes to feel sorry for myself. I'd take a cold over stomach stuff any day. "God, why couldn't I just have another cold if I had to be sick?" Oh, I do like to bargain and plead with God. The questions I have when I get to heaven.....