Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Learn to let go

This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.

You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.

Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, March 24

Monday, March 23, 2015

Toast for dinner

So I've been thinking lately, a lot, about motherhood. 4 years ago next week I found out I was going to be a mother. For years, though I had always worked with kids, I denied that I wanted any of my own, denied I had any motherly instincts. Then just over 3 years ago, I met Punky and nothing has been the same. I can barely remember life before Punky. Sure, I could sleep in later, when my insomnia let me. Sure, I could have a social life without making childcare arrangements or checking to see if it was a family friendly gathering. Sure, my house was not overrun with toys. Sure, I didn't have to clean out the tub before I took a bath. I admit I recently said I needed a vacation in this order: alone, with the Huz, then as a family. Being a mother is hard (I assume being a father is too, but as I am not one I cannot speak to that). Being a working mother is hard. Some days I get home just in time to put Punky to bed only to get up and leave again at dawn. I feed her boxed mac and cheese more than I should and vegetables less than I should. I don't clean frequently enough. We don't make cookies or crafts or practice our academics daily or even weekly. Some days I am not the mother I thought I would be. I yell more than I imagined, I lack patience,  I dread the teenage years.  But I think about that solo vacation and know I would hardly last a day before I was calling for the Huz and Punky to join me. I love stories and snuggles before bed. I love the giggles. I love the "look Mommy"s. My heart breaks when she asks all teary-eyed if I am mad at her (no, the answer is always no). I watch her hug her friends goodbye when I pick her up. I help her mail pictures to family. I listen to her play. She is a source of joy, pure joy. I worry about her health and well being. I worry about mean girls and bullies. In my line of work I've heard real horror stories. And I know there is only so much I can do to protect her. Some days I wish bedtime would come a little sooner, but mostly I wish for more hours in my day and more energy in my hours to spend with this amazing little creature. I am not a supermom and I don't have to be. I aspire to be more, but remind myself that good enough IS good enough. And that I am lucky to have a partner to share it with. After almost 8 years of marriage to the most infuriating man I've ever met, something still feels off when we are apart.  The man rarely sees me out of my pajamas (due to our schedules, not the fact that I never leave my pjs) and doesn't get mad when I forget his pizza rolls, there must be some kind of award for that, right? So while the adventure isn't what I thought it would be and I wouldn't have believed you if you'd tried to tell me how hard it is, I feel lucky to be on this journey.  And yes, we might be having toast for dinner. In our pajamas. At 5:30pm. On a Monday. Don't judge me. I won't judge you.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

New Year, New You?

"Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." - Mark Twain

It is that annual time to reflect back on the year that has come to a close and to resolve with all the good intentions of the world that the new year will be different.

"Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true." -Alfred, Lord Tennyson

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning." - T.S. Eliot

"We spend January 1st walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential." -Ellen Goodman

Each year my thoughts, goals, dreams, plans are generally the same: Work less, play more. Read. Write. Get outside. Be healthy (in all domains).

What about you? What are your 2015 goals?

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Rest in Me

"Rest in Me, My child, forgetting about the worries of the world. Focus on Me- Emmanuel- and let My living Presence envelop you in Peace. Tune in to My eternal security, for I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. If you live on the surface of life by focusing on ever-changing phenomena, you will find yourself echoing the words of Soloman: 'Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless!'

"Living in collaboration with Me is the way to instill meaning into your days. Begin each day alone with Me, so that you can experience the reality of My Presence. As you spend time with Me, the way before you opens up step by step. Arise from the stillness of our communion, and gradually begin your journey through the day. Hold My hand in deliberate dependence on Me, and I will smooth out the path before you."

December 14 
Jesus Calling
Sarah Young

"Sometimes we feel so beaten down by life, battered by outside circumstances over which we have no control. During these unwelcome storms, fear begins to permeate our inner being. Seeing no way out, we may fall into depression and enter into self-preservation mode by withdrawing into ourselves. But in doing so, we cut ourselves off from those who would give us aid and comfort. 

"Fortunately, God has other plans. He knows what we need and lovingly provides it. He 'comforts the downcast' by sending earthly 'angels' to help us. These people of God, Tituses among us, give freely of God's love and fill us with the healing balm of His comfort.

"In the midst of distress, we are not to withdraw from God's helping hand but to immerse ourselves in His Word and reach out to others, allowing both to give us love and comfort in our time of need. And then, while once more, we in turn can be a Titus for another."

Day 10
3-Minute Devotions for Women
Daily Devotional Journal

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Prince of Peace

"I am the Prince of Peace. As I said to My disciples, I say also to you: Peace be with you. Since I am your constant Companion, My Peace is steadfastly with you. When you keep your focus on Me, you experience both My Presence and My Peace. Worship Me as King of kings, Lord of lords, and Prince of Peace.
"You need My Peace each moment to accomplish My purposes in your life. Sometimes you are tempted to take shortcuts, in order to reach your goal as quickly as possible. But if the shortcut requires turning your back on My peaceful Presence, you must choose the longer route. Walk with Me along paths of Peace; enjoy the journey in My Presence."
Jesus Calling (December 2)- Sarah Young

Today's writing reminds me of this song:

Monday, December 1, 2014

Gray day

I called in sick today. Something I very rarely do. And I'm not even sick, well, not exactly. I've been doing this gluten free thing for almost a year now. And it helped- at first. But my symptoms have returned. Not quite as frequent as before, but still they have returned. And last night was a particularly bad episode that left me awake most of the night. So I called in sick to have a day to myself to recover. Wouldn't you know, now I feel guilty. That I'm laying in bed mid morning still in my pajamas not working. And my kid is at the babysitter's. I hacked and coughed and sneezed and sniffled for three weeks, and showed up to work every day. But today I wasn't sure I could handle running after or restraining a child. I wasn't sure I could help parents with their parenting of difficult children. Why should I feel guilty? I have PTO for a reason! But I do. Because I'm not really sick. And I just had a four day weekend. And I sent my kid away. And it is raining and I want the Huz to be here curled up playing hooky with me so we can spend a rainy day watching movies like we always said we would do and never have done. And I want to feel good enough to go pick up my kid early and do something fun together. But I'm not. And I did. And he's not. And I don't. 

The cat is smiling that I'm home and in bed. (Literally, he is sprawled out of the bed next to me and looks like he is smiling.) The dog is whining in her crate (sorry pup, I can't trust you unsupervised yet). Time to put away the guilt, I can't un-take the sick day now. Maybe one day I will get answers or find the miracle cure for my ailments that all seem to contribute to one another. At least the weather suits my mood and I'm not missing out on a beautiful sunshiny day.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Introvert dream or nightmare?

I am coming up on the 90 day mark at my new job and am feeling like I kinda sorta almost know what all the job entails. I'm not completely overwhelmed anymore (just partially!), even though I still see at least one face a day that I do not recognize. It is weird working for a company that employs more than 20 people!
I go through some sessions feeling like "I've got this!" But others leave me wondering when I will ever feel like I know what I am doing. I have to develop a new style, a new way of connecting, a new way of sharing what I do know. Not all the people I am working with WANT to be here or know WHY they have to be. My heart broke a little when one parent couldn't identify a single strength of their child or one thing they liked about their kid. It is exhausting on a different level than my previous positions. I am excited to be here and can see how much I am going to grow from this position. But in my little (and I do mean little- I have to move furniture to be able to open my file cabinet!) office at the end of the hall, it feels a little lonely in this big old place. Especially after the kids go home and there are no screams echoing through the halls. Still feeling like the new kid on the block, my introverted self wants to hide out in my cozy little space and lose myself in the mountain of paperwork. Perhaps it is time to bake my way into the hearts of my coworkers....

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Trust Me

Trust Me in the midst of a messy day. Your inner calm- your Peace in My Presence- need not be shaken by what is going on around you. Though you live in this temporal world, your innermost being is rooted and grounded in eternity. When you start to feel stressed, detach yourself from the disturbances around you. Instead of desperately striving to maintain order snd control in your little world, relax and remember that circumstances cannot touch My Peace.

Seek My Face, and I will share My mind with you, opening your eyes to see things from My perspective. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid. The Peace I give is sufficient for you.

Jesus Calling (Sarah Young) August 26

Peace I leave you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid. John 14:27

I have said this to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you face persecution. But take courage; I have conquered the world! John 16:33

Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually. Psalm 105:4

Monday, July 28, 2014

When I Grow Up

I have been neglecting my blog again. When I started it way back whenever I thought it would be a great way for me to start writing. Again. More. Whatever. Turns out there just aren't enough hours in the day and writing, blogging, takes a backseat. Sure, I have a book of poetry waiting to be published. Sure, I have the plot of a novella outlined. Sure, I have titles to the series of children's books I want to write. But the only writing I've dobe recently is a home study, which I did not really enjoy simply because it required a format that is poor writing. I don't want to use the words describes, reported, stated any time soon!

I think I had this idea that writing would be a fun way to use my creative juices and blow off steam- my own personal therapy. But in reality, if you want to be a writer it can't be a part time gig. There has to be time dedicated to it. Daily. And right now my life does not allow that. Maybe someday. When I grow up. 

For now, I settle for the occasional blog post. The card mailed to a friend. My infrequent journaling when something is weighing on me. My trusty friend comes out when I feel that inner restlessness about something. Maybe that is why I am secretly obsessed with pens and notebooks, because I know I will always NEED to write from time to time. I love to lose myself in a good book, but writing does something for me that reading cant't. That talking can't. An utter rawness that is hard to achieve in conversation. 

And someday, when I retire, I WILL become a real life writer.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

On a Roll, a Reading Roll

I love to read. Have for as long as I can remember. But sometimes I'm not in the mood to read (*gasp* I can't believe I just said that!) and other times there simply are not enough hours in the day to do all the reading I want to do.

Most of May was one of those time when I just couldn't get settled down to read. Maybe it was the 20-some episodes of Bones on the DVR. Maybe it was stress. Maybe I just wasn't interested in the books I had started. But whatever the reason, the reading drought ended. I got back in the swing of reading. In the last 10 days I have finished five books. Two of those five I also started in the last 10 days! That MIGHT be a new record for me. At least a new record while being a mother working two jobs!

So what did I read?
Clockwork Angel (of the YA fantasy- vampire- genre)
What to Expect the Toddler Years (very informative if you have a toddler or work with toddlers or might someday have a toddler)
Sharp Objects (dark and screwed up. I liked it!)
Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz (I am slowly working my way through the complete Wizard of Oz collection, did you know there was more than one story?)
The Perks of Being a Wallflower (yes, I saw the movie first. I still liked the book. And want to watch the movie again.)

So what's next? Well, I still have four in progress:
Queen Bees and Wannabes (the book that inspired the movie Mean Girls, I can only read a little at a time because I find it a little depressing how mean females can be to each other, lots of good info in it though)
James Potter and the Hall of Elders' Crossing (which disappeared from my GoodReads ebooks, so I guess I'm not really reading it right now)
Pride and Prejudice (I just cannot get into this one- and it is SO long!)
Ever Since I had my Baby (again, good info, but hard to read more than a little at a time. I think I might have been better off NOT knowing what childbirth could do to my body...)

So I think I'll start the next Clockwork book. And maybe the next Wizard of Oz book. Or maybe something entirely different... 

Either way, I am on a reading roll right now and am halfway to my goal of completing 50 books this year!