I started a new job in February. And it is a good job. Provides a steady, predictable income for my family. And, when the Huz decided to change jobs himself last month, my job provided (for the first time in my career!) the health benefits for my family. The people I work with are nice and we get along. However, the job is stressful to me. Definitely a faster pace than I am used to, more procedures, protocols, paperwork, and deadlines. A social work job versus what I was used to in a counselor role.
And I find myself overwhelmed. I can't leave work at work as easily as I used to. My next deadline is never far from my thoughts. And then I feel what I guess is best described as a mix of guilt and envy. Guilt that I am working 40+ hours per week (usually the +). Guilt that when I get home there's typically only time for dinner, bath, bed. Guilty that I don't really have energy for more than that even if there was time. Guilt that my girl isn't feeling good and she has to not feel good for another couple of days until I can try to squeeze a doctor appointment into my schedule. And the the envy. Envy of those mothers who do get to stay home more (I'm not even wanting to be a full-time stay at home mom, just a part time stay at home mom. Which I never thought I would want). Envy of the families who either make more or have somehow been smarter with their money than we have so they can stay home more. Or maybe I was just spoiled that first year, having a mid-week day off. Or maybe it was more okay because she was home with daddy a couple of days and now she spends 5 days a week with the sitter.
I want to go to the zoo and the pool and story time without the weekend crowds. I want to curl up with my Punky on the couch and snuggle when she doesn't feel good. And get her into the doctor the first chance possible, not when more feasible with my schedule. I want to do all those crafts I pinned in Pinterest! And I know this is not in the cards right now.
The plight of the working mother.